Loved Before

I guess this is a boyfriend appreciation blog post.

Yes. A boyfriend appreciation blog post. Why am I doing this? Cuz I'm not good at speaking so typing it all out would be better right?

So, it all begins with 梁小白, my first ever boyfriend. It all went back to last year's December when it all begins. Well, the beginning was a mistake. A big one that I cannot deny. It was just a tiny bit of feel that causes the hurt at the end of this relationship. They said that first love will always be the sweetest thing ever happened in your entire life. But for me, it's not.

I still remember that he wasn't dare enough to show the world that he love me. Because his heart is actually with somebody else. His ex. I know but I never tell. His every action in this not-even-2-months-relationship had told me that no matter how hard I fall for him, he won't be mine. I know but I never tell too. Why? Why should I cheat myself?

This was all just a big lie I told myself. But still, time has made me fallen in love with him. Deeper. Forgetting him after the break was so hard to me. I still remember I would wet my pillow once in a while when he crossed my mind. However, after all the tears that have fallen out, it only makes me clear that all these is just a waste of my tears and tissues.

**

After 4 months or so, I met the other him. He's the first one that makes me ever feel loved. I feel so blessed to met him. I appreciate him so much for the love that he pour on me. It was all sweet and I have a feel that we're going to last long. But as time goes by, time has told me something. It was not all that perfect actually. So I decided to break.

It was hard as rock for me to make this final decision. I cried. A lot. Because of all these love that he gave, I can't stop loving him. He makes me feel that "Yes, you're the one that I want to spend my whole life with you." Oops. It was my mistake again. I should think like that. I choose to believe that you're different. But you proved me wrong. So wrong. I depend too much on you. I put too much emotions into this relationship. I put too much love. I gave all my heart to you. In return, it was all hurt and tears.

Choosing to end all these was hard, I must say it again. But if I doesn't end it, then I'll be the one that hurt myself back. I'm so tired. I'm so damn tired to be the one that always make the first step. But all these have to end. He choose to ignore me and to ignore all his sorry feels he had. What can I do but to make the last, first step.

***

The recovery month for this love wound in my heart was hard. Until I met this what supposed to be an 'uncle' on Wechat's Look Around. Meeting him changed everything. He makes me forget everything about Mr. Wong.

I don't know how to describe him. But I know, I'm comfortable around him. I can curse out loud freely in front of him unlike when I'm with the other 2. I can be so weird at times and he's just standing there looking at me, amused. I can tell him to go die or eat shit and he's not even getting angry. We use sarcasm to communicate and then suddenly, I'm his girlfriend.

He's not everything I want. He smoke, he gamble a bit, he flirt with other girls, he drink a lot, he's short, he's 7 years apart from me and have very little hair, but then, I love him. I guess love was blind after all. He confessed his feelings to me. He likes me. He loves me. I like him. I love him. Once again, I decided to give out my heart to him.

Now, my dear Kai, if you happened to see this blog post, please know that I love you more than the kisses I can give, don't disappoint me ok? I'll wait for you. The promise we made, 4 years right? I'll wait. Just don't disappoint me. I love you.